Deep breath...

This is an extremely emotional blog for me to write...

I apologize in advance for any errors in typing that may occur from me not being able to read the screen, and for the disorganization that will probably happen also...... Please bear with me.

If you're someone who's taken the time to read my blog all the way back until I started on here in 2004 you've probably heard something about my brother... Not much, but I know there's something about him on here... It has something to do with hiring a private investigator to find the brother I haven't been able to see since I've been 3.5 years old..

My real father is a dead beat. He's a sick and twisted person. He's the reason I'm f***ed up in a lot of ways, from years of not understanding, from years of finding out things you'd never think your own blood could do... One example being adopting his wife's 15 y/o daughter because she grew up without a father.... I found that out sometime in my teen years.. From the lady that *had* been his *new* wife... They weren't ever legally married. He was still married to my mom until I was 14, had never signed the papers because we had no idea where to find him. They *got married* sometime before that and this lady just would not believe that my mom was telling her the truth. Because Steve, he's a charmer... He's the defintion of Carrie Underwood's new song "Cowboy Casanova." He told her everything she wanted to hear, leaving out the details that actually mattered... Now lets start at the beginning..

Steve took my brother out of this state illegally when I was 3.5. My brother would have been almost 5 then... He was told they were leaving for a change of scenery and would return soon. They ended up at my grandma's (his mom) house in nevada.. I talked to my brother everyday, but being the mom that she was, my grandma protected her son and his decisions (god knows why?!?!) and wouldn't bring my brother home. Steve found out I'd been keeping in touch with my brother and changed the phone number. A few months later we'd find the new one, my mom would one way or another... And we'd be able to talk again until steve found out and changed it again. That went on and on for months until I was about 9 y/o. They disappeared off the face of the earth. My grandma died and the last known phone number and address for them had been her house... He was gone from my life for good and there was no way I could find him. Steve's taken to running his whole life.. Moving every few months, changing their phone number, being underground because he's a scum bag who doesn't know how to live a normal life... Numerous times we've tried contacting family members, family we don't speak to because we were never *part* of them because of Steve's antics.. They wanted nothing to do with him or us... So they of course, didn't know where to look for my brother either...

Now, I think this needs to be emphasized, for everyone to know so they won't be utterly surprised to hear the rest of the story... Because, being the offspring of him, and even knowing the kind of guy he is, I never ever thought he'd stoop so low. Steve is a sick, twisted, scumbag, dead beat, piece of shit. Everyone, please remember this as you keep reading... This man has done nothing short of breaking up his family he once loved so much, and lying, using, and hurting everyone he's ever known (physically, mentally, and emotionally)...

My brother is now 22 y/o.. I've wondered for the last four years, why he hasn't ever tried to contact either one of us. I can understand the horrible things that may have most certainly have been told to him about my mom from our father, to make him not want to find her... But I could never understand, being as close as we were, why he wouldn't try searching for me... Even though we didn't see each other anymore, I talked to my brother everyday that I could. Our phone bill was so ridiculously high, but that didn't matter to my mom (one thing I admire her doing for me) because I had my brother one way or another... We were soo close. We didn't live in the same state, but we knew everything about each other and nothing would stop us from being close... Except Steve...

I found out last weekend why he hasn't bothered searching for us..... Here's where it's going to start getting sloppy, I'm already a mess....

Steve.... I don't know when it was, but he told my brother that me and my mom had died....................................
I know the guy that steve is, but to tell your own son that his mother and sister died, to keep him away from us.... I just can't believe I'd ever have to hear something like that... To top it all off... he's tried sooo hard to keep him from us that he's changed his number almost monthly, moved 14 times in the last 16 years, and has scared the living shit out of Drew to the point where he thinks he'll be killed if he tries to contact family members... That's the kind of father steve is...

The story starts last saturday. My aunt char's bar and a halloween party that my mom and her bf have frequented for years... My cousin (I didn't know I had) came into the bar. Wearing a team shirt with his last name on the back. My mom's friend says hey, I know a stoner, are you related to Jackie? 'Never heard of her, why?' Oh she's right here, *mom comes over* "Danny!!!!!!" 'Who are you?' "Your aunt Jackie, your parents are Bill and Annie" 'You know andrew?' *My mom stopped dead in her tracks* "That's my son......" 'OH MY GOD, I talked to him a few months back. I'm going home to get his number for you...' *Mom calls me screaming and bawling her eyes out and I can't understand anything being said because she's yelling so loud into the phone* Danny didn't come back for about 2 hours. He was almost crying... Comes to tell her how completely sorry he is, but that the phone number they have is disconnected... Who woulda guessed?!?! To shorten it, Drew tries to get in contact every few months, without steve knowing. If Steve finds out, the number is changed.. He knows what he's doing, he's an extremely smart person(the only good thing I got from him), and for the sake of his own life and what he wants, will keep up this lie until the day he dies, if he could... That's the kind of person he is, for his own selfish reasons, whatever they were for not wanting to be with my mom, has decided that Drew shouldn't know any of his family either...

The day my mom married Steve is the day he broke her heart.. He was the "charming, sweet-natured, nice guy" before my mom married him. After that, he showed his real self.. After they split he told her straight out, he did everything he did because he wanted to see what he could get away with... He cheated on her, beat her, raped her, for his own selfish amusement. Even fathered two twin boys at the time they were together.. Isiah and Isaac... I met them exactly once, before he left that chick too. I know one of them died when they were younger, but I can't recall which...

Danny had no idea who we were and now that he does can't wait to meet me, Aaron and Lily because, like me, found out he had a cousin he never knew about. I'm guessing it was that long ago that we supposedly *died* that Andrew obviously doesn't mention it in everday conversation.. Something like my great-grandma dying.. I think about it often, but I haven't spoken about it for years...

My mom got my uncle bob's number from my cousin. I actually know who my uncle bob is, but he started going down the wrong road when I was younger and my mom didn't want him around anymore... Well, he's got his act together, been doing good, and recently (like a month ago) talked to my brother.. He told my mom "You don't need to keep searcing anymore, I will find him, and he will know the truth" My uncle has been trying I guess for some time to get Steve to tell my brother the truth.. My uncle doesn't think it's his place to tell him (he's quite reserved in that respect), but he's wanted Drew to know for a long time... Of course big surprise, Steve refuses to tell him the truth about anything... My uncle found out a few days ago the reason my brother's phone number is disconnected is because he didn't pay his bill, but said it should be on in a few days....................

My daughter will know her uncle.... I will get to know my brother again.... And I hope, with everything in me, that when he finds out the truth he will kick the living shit out of Steve.. I heard he's had a few heart attacks, unfortunately not enough to do him in... I just can't wait til the day he gets his..

I'm sad right now... Last week all I had in me was hatred and anger. All I could do was think about all the horrible things he's done to my mom, to his own daugther and son... The kind of guy you have to be to want to keep up your web of lies this long. I'm sure he'd take this to his grave if he could... He won't have to, someone else will take him there for him...

I'm so so so extremely happy that after all these years, I might finally be able to talk to and see my own brother again. I've grown up wondering if he were still alive, saying I know he'd have a death certificate then, but not if Steve had something to do with it... I've always told myself, one day he will come home... Well he came to milwaukee a few years ago, and we didn't even know it... I just can't imagine what he's felt all these years. All the times he'd ask to go home and see his sissy. All the times he'd ask why we weren't there, and all the bullshit he had to hear from that man... I know how I'm going to feel when I finally see him again, but how will he feel? How mad, or sad or happy or scared will he be? How scared has he been his whole life, living with Steve, not being able to see his family, not knowing his mom and sister have been here all along... How will he feel when he actually finds out the truth? I just can't stop thinking about all of this, and still just waiting... I will finally be able to hear his voice again, after all these years.... Soon.. What am I going to say? I don't think I'll have anything to say.. I won't know what... What do you say when you know your brother's finding out for the first time that you're alive after so long? Am I supposed to wait for him to say something? What if he's speechless too? I just don't know what's going to happen...

I've been on the verge of crying for sooo long. I cried everyday last week. All day at work, all night at home, every minute... I'm crying now, but there's no tears coming out. I have none left to shed.. :(

Happy three months Lily!!

I'm two days late. It was wednesday! But we've actually been uber busy at work and home!! We met with a lady last night for childcare after Faith goes back to 1st shift november 12th. She has a 16 month old and we found out she's only 25 and her husband 26. Looks like we've made some new friends! :) Their daughter, Ciena, was just fascinated with Lily. All she would say is baby, baby, baby. LOL It was so adorable!

Unfortunately... our budget leaves us with barely over 10 dollars every check now... I just hope there's nothing we need anytime soon.. This really puts a damper on our christmas now too... Everything we had planned to get Lily, we can't.

And... I hate talking about it, but I've been struggling with some depression again lately and I'm really hoping it's not post partum and just my normal... It's not like we have money for me to get medication and the such... Grrrr, financial problems just compounds every other emotion I've been feeling.

I'm hoping we'll at least have a good weekend, even though Aaron has to work.. Lily's going to be a cute little cow. I will take pictures and post them as soon as I can!!

My Aunt..

I never talk about her. I don't like talking about sad stuff.. And I've never really known what to say either.. But I need to finally say something. Aaron is the ONLY person I talk to about her... I receive updates via email from my mom, but I say nothing to her about either..

My aunt has cancer. We found out right before my cousin Angelique (Q) was going to graduate this year in June. She had been having stomach pains for a while and for some unknown reason, hadn't gotten it checked out sooner. She's a nurse, so she should have known better.. But I guess that's usually when you think it won't happen to you kind of scenerio.

Anyway, she's been doing good with her chemo. She started it July 9th and she has 12 treatments, every other week. They're hoping only until January/Febuary.. There weren't any huge problems, but during surgery they took out quite a lot and it was extremely trying on her, and the family. My once spunky/happy aunt is no longer here. She feels like a "bump on a log" (her words) because she can't help out or do anything around the house.

Well I got the latest update on her today.. After treatment 6 she said her arms/hands, legs felt like they had lead in them. She could barely move, but I guess it wasn't cause for concern. She slept the whole weekend and woke up monday feeling alright. Then treatment 7. She again slept the whole weekend because her body was so worn out, but after resting she was back to her "normal" self.. Time came for treatment 8, the week before last and she was unable to get it. Her platelet level had dropped below 90.. Her ANC was at 1 and the normal is between 2 and 7.5. It's called an absolute neutrophil count and I guess its derived from the white blood cell count. Either way, it was really low and she was having troubles.. Every week her numbers have been wonderful, but for some reason they "crashed," in my uncle's terms, this time.. She didn't receive her chemo that week. This past friday she received treatment 8. Which only puts her back a week in treatments, but this is the first second complication.. I forgot in the beginning of her treatments there was a point where she wasn't able to touch anything cold to her body. If she wanted to go into the fridge or freezer she had to literally wear big thick winter gloves. I don't remember why this was, but that was the first thing that had happened. This is the second, but still she's been doing pretty good....

Even knowing she's alright for the time being, I can barely hold myself back from crying. Everyone in my family who's ever had cancer hasn't won... Every relative I'd ever been close to, with the exception of my dad, died from cancer. Including my great grandma for who Lily's named after. It's just so hard for me to talk about and I'm not sure why. I mean, I'm sure it has something to do with what I mentioned, but knowing my aunt is okay should make me want to rejoice when she's doing well and let people know. I, instead, hold it all in and don't let anyone know anything. With exception to Aaron. BUT, even he doesn't understand the extent purely because he hasn't experienced it and I dont' hold that against him. He tries his best to comfort me and that's all I ask.

This post has taken me the entire day to write, if that doesn't show how weary I am of talking about it. Maybe, I don't know, if I talk about it, I think it might jinx something. Or that maybe it's my fault. It's only normal to think that way I guess, after so many have left me because of it.. I've been dealing with death since I've been 6.5, starting with my dad.. I had someone once remark you should be used to it then. Excuse me? No one should have to "get used" to people they're close to dying. I think it's even harder when you've been dealing with it from such a young age. Because at that age you have no idea why your best friend was taken away without warning. You don't know why you're left to take on this big world by yourself without your hero by your side. You don't understand those concepts and yet for some reason people always think it's easier on children because they are young and don't understand it. They're wrong! They're so completely wrong it's ridiculous. It's just the opposite. It's that much harder because you have to deal with it NOT knowing why it happened. Adults can understand things like that happen; people fall ill, accidents occur, whatever it is, but it doesn't mean it's easier just because you don't know. I think if people don't understand what you're going through, either because they haven't experienced it or just can't, and they don't know what to say... then they should keep their comments to themselves. A little sorry or even a blatant I don't know what to say would be better than "you should be used to it then!" Who in their right mind would really say that after someone just died. No matter who it is. Have a little respect people. Please.

Well, thats my post about my aunt. Not sure if it'll be the only one or not. Maybe if there's something new on her next update, otherwise probably not..

On other news, Lily was a devil this weekend with her teething. She wanted to bite anything and everything!! She wanted to be happy and would try and smile when you made noises, but she just couldn't stop crying or whining. I felt horrible because it's her little "owie" cry. It breaks my heart. :( But she's already doing better today from what Auntie Faith said. So let's hope for some sleep tonight!!

On that note, I think it's time to head out. Hope everyone else's weekends went well!

I'm sorry everyone!

I hate xanga. You make an entire post. Too long to even remember what the beginning said, and then it doesn't post... or sometimes it'll post twice. You only hope you're lucky enough for the second one... Well I wasn't!

That was about a week back. And it was long. And I had no time @ work to recollect everything that I said or what happened in the post. So here's an extremely shortened update about everything..

Lil' Lillian is a brave little soldier. She took her shots so well! I'm soo proud of her! She cried for a second with the first shot and looked up at us and smiled. Cried a second with her next shot and then Aaron picked her up and she lifted her head off his shoulder and started talking to him! She's so wonderful!

Aaron's dad and step mom got their house!! They'll be moving next week. It's a really sad time for everyone.. We'll get to see them once every two weeks. We usually see them at least three times a week... Wednesday nights for ghost hunters. Another random night during the week and every weekend. Now with them moving out of county, we'll be able to afford gas to see them we'd hope once a week, but it won't be possible because Aaron works every other weekend. And on the weekends we get to visit we'll just be staying there. So we only get to see them every other week..

Two major life changing decisions:

We have been discussing moving farther north to get out of the city and the ever-moving-closer- ghetto.. We'd like to be in the whereabouts of Wisconsin Rapids or farther north after next summer. Do month to month here after our april lease, and hopefully have enough time between now and next fall to get out of here. Aaron's dad is trying to talk us into moving near them... I'd love to, but they're literally in the middle of no where. The closest we could be to them and still find jobs would be about West Bend. Teresa's closer, but there's not much work there... Kathy will stay at United HealthCare. It'll take her about 45 min each way, but she's okay with that. Aaron's dad will be closer to work now, so it's better for him. Missy will be going to Slinger schools. Bussed every morning from the middle of nowhere. lol. I'd love to be closer near them, for the simple fact of us having family around for us and for Lily.. But we need to look at job placement and housing. We chose around WI Rapids all the way to Rhinelander because we know the area and the housing was cheap and the jobs payed more.. We need to compare/discuss things before we move any further into this decision... It's up in the air at this point...

Aaron wants to be a soldier. I am beyond baffled at his decision. I'm proud/happy beyond any recognition.. At the same time, I'm feeling extremely selfish at the moment. We just started our family, and I don't want him running out and doing that right away.

He wants to do it for a few reasons...

The discipline. He's never had it. He was never taught. He wants the kick in the ass, and he actually DOES want to make something of himself, he just doesn't know how.. I applaud his being so willing to do something like this in his life. Aside from us and our family, he's never really been one to get excited about something in his life. It's living to him. His job and what not could matter little to none if it were up to him, besides the money factor...

The money. He keeps talking about us needing more money. and I know we do. We struggle to keep up with our bills, but we manage. I keep telling him i'm happy. I don't need the money. It's not about money at all for us. But he hates seeing me so upset when we're close to having $5 after bills some checks... I get upset, but I get over it also. He doesn't want me upset at all. He wants us comfortable, and though that factor seems extremely appealing, I'm not for giving up my husband on the sole basis of him wanting more money for us..

His country. We're army brats. We're EXTREMELY PROUD ARMY BRATS!!! I don't know how much more to emphasize that fact. lol. But aside from me being selfish and wanting my family whole right now because Lily's so young, I would gladly give my husband to our country! Both of us have always wanted to enlist at some time when we were old enough because of our fathers&grandparents... It's not possible having a daughter now. One has to stay behind..

I'm soo for him enlisting for every reason he's given me... But I can't let him do it right now. Not with us just starting our family and Lily being so young. We talked about it being a future possibility.. Lily has to be in school.. I want her to understand why her father is leaving and coming at months at a time. Or her to understand why we move so much because of daddy's work.. I hated it. I hated it and I couldn't understand why I could never keep my friends for long. I hated having to always pack, or by the time I got smart, just never unpacking anything cuz we'd be leaving so soon... My parents never took the time to sit me down and explain things to me. My mom never had the time for her own selfish reasons. She wasn't and never was ready to be a mom.. My dad, well he worked... A lot. The time I got with him I didn't waste with questions. I made sure to make up for all that time I was without him.. Still, it would have been nice to be sat down and explained to why we had to do this. Why I had to be proud of daddy. I was proud he was my daddy when I was young. Not because he was a soldier.. I didn't understand that concept. I think I would have better if I had help, but I grew up too fast for my age.. I don't want to put Lily through that. I refuse to. When she's old enough to understand it, then we'll talk... We'll make sure she knows why it's happening. We'll make sure she's happy and we'll be there for her if she has troubles or isn't happy. I had no one when I had problems dealing with it. And that made for an extremely unhappy/troubled little girl when her daddy died... Enough reminiscing..

And enough updating for the day... This was a long, shortened update. lol. I remembered more than I thought I would. lol. Hope everyone else is doing wonderful! :)

The big 21

Well yesterday was my 21st birthday..

I walked into work yesterday morning to find streamers, banners, ballons, and confetti EVERYWHERE! The ladies decorated it for me. And there were pictures of Lily in frames all over my desk. So now I have pictures to show off in my office! :)

One of the ladies also made me a cake and the other treated the office to lunch. And the lady who made the cake for me also bought me some Miller, Mike's and Smirnoff for after work. lol. So my work day wasn't too bad at all! Aside from having to do collection letters. We have sooo many more every month now with the economy in the shitter! And I just finished them today! That's ridiculous.

Anyway.. After work I went home to my lovely family. I got gurgles, grunts, and big ol smiles from Lily for my birthday! lol :) And I had brownies and chinese waiting for me from my wonderful fiance! It was THE BEST chinese I've had in ages! Unfortunately we accidentally left the left overs out when we went to bed, so no yummy chinese for lunch :(

I got lucky too since it was wednesday we headed up to Aaron's dad's for our normal Ghost Hunters get together! So it was nice to see them for my birthday too! :)

Unfortunately, in an hour is Lily's two month wellness appointment. I can't wait to see how big she's gotten for sure! But she's getting her first round of pokes and I feel terrible. I know she won't remember it later on, but that doesn't mean it'll hurt any less. :( Poor thing.

Well that's my lovely update. I will try and comment people later, but I only have a half hour until I leave work so I should go finish up! lol.